Contributed by: Sandra Adams, CFP®
According to AARP, one in five adults (equating to more than fifty million Americans), is providing unpaid health care or support to a loved one, such as an aging parent or a spouse with an illness or disability. Increasingly, there are more only-child caregivers attempting to provide care for aging parents. This trend is not likely to end anytime soon. An APM Research Lab analysis of Census Bureau data found that, among U.S. households with children, approximately 3 in 10 had just one child in 2017 compared with 2 in 10 in 1960.
It may seem counterintuitive, but caregivers without siblings can benefit in several ways:
They can step up and make decisions to get things done without having to get consensus from siblings.
They develop resilience and the ability to adapt to adverse situations and adjust to meet the demands; they are flexible.
If things go wrong, there is no one to complain or put blame on the caregiver (except themselves).
Caregiving in this way can create quite a strong bond between a child and their parent due to the amount of time spent together.
However, caregivers with siblings have more advantages:
They have the support to help make difficult decisions; they don’t have to make those decisions alone and have to feel guilty that they may or may not have made a bad decision.
They can share in the caregiving duties and obligations with their siblings so that there is less chance of burnout.
Many times, pulling together for caregiving for an elderly parent(s) can create an even stronger family bond.
Having multiple siblings with many eyes on elderly parents can often ensure that things are not missed (i.e., signs of diminishing mental capacity, other health issues that might be missed if only one child were trying to cover it all).
If parents do not live near their one child, having multiple children means there is more likely to be at least one child that lives near the parents to provide more hands-on care while other siblings can take on other caregiving duties to pitch in.
Having multiple siblings prevents the caregiver isolation that occurs with only child caregivers.
For only child caregivers, planning ahead is the key to having a successful caregiving experience. Here are some suggested actions:
Have an Advanced Longevity Plan. This begins with having conversations with your parent in advance of the aging process about their future aging: about their future challenges, the alternatives they wish to consider, the resources they have to use, and the experience they hope they have. It might include having difficult conversations, but those conversations will lead to proactive planning that will help prevent making decisions in a time of chaos later.
Get Organized. From a financial and medical standpoint, this means working with your parents to collect their information and data and get it organized and in one place. In addition, it means working with financial and legal professionals to make sure their documents and financial accounts are in the best possible position to serve them for the long term.
Find Others to Help. When the time comes to provide actual assistance and care, realize that you cannot do it alone. Without siblings to help, look for other family members, friends, community resources and paid caregiver resources (if financial resources allow) to help. Make sure to set boundaries on how much care you can personally provide. If you are still working, you may need to protect your financial future; in any case, preventing burnout is important for personal well-being.
Take Care of Yourself. This means periodically getting some respite, taking time for self-care, and making sure that you are doing what is best for your future, as well as what is best for your parents. According to a 2015 AARP survey, about 60% of Americans caring for adult family members also work. For working caregivers, especially only child caregivers, it is particularly important to look into the time that you might be able to take off from work if that relieves stress (Family and Medical Leave Time, vacation time, unpaid/paid personal leave, etc.). Most family caregivers do need to make some changes to their work to be there for their family members. The financial burden, both current and future, for an only-child caregiver can be huge since it cannot be shared with multiple siblings. Most family caregivers — 78% in one AARP study — incur out-of-pocket expenses related to their caregiving role, with the average caregiver spending about $7,000 per year on things like rent, mortgage, medical bills, etc.). The average long-distance caregiver spends about $12,000 per year. In addition, seek caregiver support or counseling, if you need someone to talk to.
Build a Team. This may be the most important step for an only-child caregiver. Realizing that you cannot do everything alone is a big “Aha” for many caregivers. Feeling like it is an obligation to do everything yourself is something you must shake or risk emotional, psychological, and physical (health/stress) burnout. Building a well-rounded team to delegate the things that you do not want to do, cannot do or that you find stressful is crucial. This likely means adding an Estate Planning/Elder Law attorney, a financial adviser, a CPA/tax preparer, perhaps a Geriatric Care Manager, an assisted care team, and/or other team members that can help in providing the care and services needed to help you manage your parent's needs while you also manage your own life. These team members should all talk to each other and be on the same page so that the plan works well for the benefit of your parent’s plan.
As our demographics shift and there are more only children caring for aging parents, advanced longevity planning becomes more and more important. Only child caregivers, especially single children, need the support of other family members, community resources and professionals to provide a team to support their loved ones. Realizing that this job of caring for parents alone is a balancing act of providing care and ensuring that they have a secure future for themselves is crucial, as is taking steps to draw the proper lines as a caregiver must. Planning ahead is the best way to make sure that the best lives for all involved can be protected.
Sandra Adams, CFP®, is a Partner and CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER™ professional at Center for Financial Planning, Inc.® and holds a CeFT™ designation. She specializes in Elder Care Financial Planning and serves as a trusted source for national publications, including The Wall Street Journal, Research Magazine, and Journal of Financial Planning.
The foregoing information has been obtained from sources considered to be reliable, but we do not guarantee that it is accurate or complete, it is not a statement of all available data necessary for making an investment decision, and it does not constitute a recommendation. Any opinions are those of Sandra D. Adams and not necessarily those of Raymond James.
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